The Bad Kind of Spam

Posted By on April 12, 2011

I sat down at the computer just to check my email and it dawned on me that I have four different email addresses that I use on a daily basis.  Each one does have it’s specific purpose because I try to separate my work, home and cigar related stuff from one another but like Kristie Alley’s dietitian, it doesn’t always work.  Having to sift through all these accounts to find the few important items worthy of my limited time made me realize that what I really need to do is hire a chesty blond as my personal assistant whose job is nothing more than check my emails all day long.  And maybe fetch me coffee and refill my lighter while I burn through stick after stick of cigar goodiness. 

After logging into my numerous email accounts I had to weed spamthrough about a gazillion useless emails and delete a pile of junk mail big enough to make Santa Claus jealous.  Yes, Spam Email.  Do you remember when Spam was just canned mystery meat covered in that disgusting gelatinous ooze?  Now it’s been given a bad rap by referencing these junk mailings under the same name.  It’s sad because Spam had such an outstanding reputation before this whole electronic mail debacle and I actually like the stuff.  I understand that mass email marketing is a way many business try to reach new clients but be honest with me boys, has anyone ever actually got one of these friggin’ emails and thought “damn I really should look into an extended service plan on the car I no longer own” or “yeah, I could stand to add another couple inches to my johnson while searching for Asian singles that can refinance my home with no closing costs”?  Everyday my inbox is loaded with more crap than a toilet at a Taco Johns and I’m honestly sick of having to delete all of it.  I know that I’m a fat lazy bastid and it takes nothing more than a few extra mouse clicks to trash all this garbage, but why in the hell should I have to even get this sewage in the first place?

The products and offers these companies attempt to push on me is laughable in itself because I have to believe thatespameven if  I was to get Lasik surgery, I don’t want some web coupon from Larry’s Eye Lazer Institute for half off the other eye.  Who buys this shit?  You don’t have a product that I need because if you did, I’d already own the damn thing!  Besides that, every coupon or savings requires me to get a new credit card, fill out a survey, kill a hooker or build a scale model replica of Easter Island and I just haven’t got that kind of time to save two bucks the next time I go to Applebee’s for Riblets and flat beer.

Worst of all is “I” have to go through the inconvenience of filling out the unsubscribe page so you stop sending me email after email telling me that I have a FREE Dell Computer waiting to be shipped to me (some restrictions may apply, like you can’t have a free Dell Computer).  I think these companies should have to ask for permission to send this dung to me instead of me telling them to halt the onslaught.  Stop raping my inbox with your unwanted email advances.  No means no!  The chastity belt that is known as a spam blockers still let through more unwarranted intruders than a blind boarder guard on a three day bender and it’s wearing me out. 

If you work for one of these many companies that overfill my email world with the electronic pile of crap that awaits me everyday, I hate you.  Seriously, I can’t stand this type of marketing  and my opinion is that unless I ask for you to send me information on a very specific topic or item, you should not be able to send it to me!  Take this site for example, the only way you can get an email is to sign in and then confirm your address before you are added to my email system.  Your information is not sold or given to any third party marketing firm but if gas prices don’t drop soon I may need to look at pimping you boys out so my cigar budget doesn’t take a hit.  Just because I sign up to get updates from the only real news source left in America, The National Enquirer, I shouldn’t be bombarded with offers to get cheap air travel or read my daily horoscope.  I already know my horoscope:recyclebin_paper You’ll be pissed off by anyone who has a Zodiac sign and likely still have no money but will smoke cigars and drink alcohol so you don’t rip the head off the guy in the 86 Chevy Celebrity who can’t find his freakin’ gas pedal at the stop light”.  Same story every day basically.

I guess it’s just the price I’ll have to pay to live in the modern age and in the end it’s far easier to send it to the virtual recycle bin than haul it to the real one.  My only updates for you kids is to not forget about the Miami Cigar & Company event on the 21st at Titetown Tobacco and be sure to check out the Brotherhood of the Leaf gear so you’ll have a great looking wardrobe to hit the links this summer of suffer through another family reunion with the wife.

Thanks for reading and be sure to email me so I can delete it.

The Cigar Soldier

About the author

The Cigar Soldier is the founding father and President of The Brotherhood of the Leaf, an internet community of cigar enthusiasts and Northeast Wisconsin’s only true membership based cigar club. As the main writer for Cigar Night, his rants can sting, stir or inspire your emotions, as he leaves no topic of enjoying the cigar lifestyle off his hit list.


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