Tough Decisions

Posted By on March 20, 2013

mcd-drive-thruIt’s not my burger joint of choice, but every now and then I swing past a Mickey D’s to grab me a sammy for lunch when I don’t have time for anything else. I know that fast food is bad for you and I should take better care of myself and yadda, yadda, yadda. Who are you, my mother? Sometimes I just crave some garbage from the Golden Arches and like my cigars; all in moderation is the key. If I really gave a crap about my heath I’d figure out how to cut down on my whiskey consumption but we know that’s as likely to happen as NASCAR fans not having sex with their second cousins whenever Dale Jr. speaks. If the body is a temple then mine gets treated like a tent but keeps coming back for more abuse so off for Big Mac I go on occasion.

I wheeled into the parking lot and the drive thru lane was about 600 cars long filled with other health conscious people who said “fuck it, I’m getting a cheeseburger for lunch.” I figured at this point it would just be faster to run inside to place my order, wolf down a burger and fries in a couple of bites and then drown it with a large soda. Ya hear that Mayor Bloomberg? I’m drinking a large soda and there’s nothing you can do to stop me! By the time I park and get into line I find myself stuck behind two women who seem to care less about their heath than a pregnant Alabama teen on the tilt-a-whirl. I’m just thinking let’s keep the line moving and place your order then get out of the way. I’m wishful that soon it will resemble ordering soup from the Soup Nazi. Name your soup, slide down the counter, pay and leave with little to no small talk and chit-chat. Well of course it didn’t go at all like that for me.

waitingThese two Manatees have been standing in line yakking it up with one another for what seemed like an eternity only to get to the counter and realize that they now have to decide what to order. Are you fucking kidding me? You came to McDonald’s for lunch, stood in line for minutes and just now figured out that you need to pick your meal? I’m sure when you gals are back home in your tank at Sea World they just toss in some fresh Mackerel for you to snack on so this having a choice thing may be a new for you. They both then starred at the menu board for what seemed like a week before one of them asked for a food item that I don’t believe the Burger Clown has ever offered.

“Do you have just a plain bacon cheeseburger?” In as polite a way as possible the cashier said no and suggested another item. I was two seconds away from coming unglued at this point. It’s McDonald’s! They have 14 menu items all on a big board with pictures so all you have to do is say a number, give them money and they’ll give you your food. How the hell can you walk into a McDonald’s and not know what they have on the menu? Aside from Shamrock Shakes and the occasional McRib, it’s always the same menu! Explain to me how somebody can have the mental capacity to realize they are hungry, get into a car to navigate traffic while driving to McDonald’s and by the time they get inside not know what they want to eat? For Christ’s sake! Order a fucking Quarter Pounder so I can get on with my life before I stab you in the head with that chunk of PVC pipe they pass off as a straw!

Going to Mac D’s for a healthy lunch is like buying a deaf guy an alarm clock, it doesn’t make any sense.  Sure they offer some salads and those yogurt and granola things in a cup, but who are we kidding here folks?  They are known for burgers and fries plain and simple.  That being said, it can’t be that difficult to decide what the hell you’re going to eat so if you find it tough to pick from the limited number of food choices on the picture board, strap down your safety helmet a little bit tighter and hop back onto the short bus walk-inbecause there are some more windows that need to be licked.  Its fast food, not rocket science so figure it out or get the hell out of my way.

Thank goodness all you cigar munchers are smarter than the general public so I’m confident that you can manage the mundane task of ordering lunch without the fear of bodily harm from me.  It’s when we’re caught standing in a newly filled walk in humidor that our brains turn into mush considering all the wonderful treats waiting for us.  That is the only time that being undecided is a good thing.  I’ll give you a task that is very easy to make a decision about, Cigar Night on April 2nd.  Brother Flounder will be hosting next month’s stogie bash at 235 Fairview Ave.  (not too far from Lauders place for those of geographically challenged)  Let’s hope for nicer weather because it should be at least in the 50’s or so by then because this sub 20 degree shit is wearing me out.  I’ll have some of the new shirts for you guys and a handful of the Mugsy Skull caps left for sale as well.  Make sure to invite lots of guests so we can really grow the club this year and of course earn you some free cigars.

See you on the 2nd!

The Cigar Soldier


About the author

The Cigar Soldier is the founding father and President of The Brotherhood of the Leaf, an internet community of cigar enthusiasts and Northeast Wisconsin’s only true membership based cigar club. As the main writer for Cigar Night, his rants can sting, stir or inspire your emotions, as he leaves no topic of enjoying the cigar lifestyle off his hit list.


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