Hallmark Holidays?

Posted By on November 18, 2010

Well boys and girls, it appears that another year of outdoor smoking has come to an end and I can’t help but notice we’re rapidly approaching the holiday season.  The recent cold snap has got my state of Wisconsin set for another deer hunt as well as preparing for Thanksgiving with the family.  For many of us that means getting together with all the people we can’t stand for an afternoon of eating, drinking and of course football.  By the way, did you check out the games slated for Turkey day?  The Patriots at Ford Field against the Lions?  Are you freaking kidding me?  I won’t even need a belly full of tryptophan laced turkey to put me to sleep during that one.  I actually believe that you could shot gun Red Bull with meth and still pass out during a Lions game.  At least I should berockwell-thanksgiving able to see the Saints pound on Jerry’s Cowgirls in the late game so that makes me a little bit happier. 

From my last post you all know that Thanksgiving will be different for me this year but I am looking back at years past and remembering stories from friends about the dinner planned and the dinner that was.  Let me explain that one bit to you fellas so you’ll see what I mean.  I think most families work very hard to put on a huge feast complete with all the trimmings and then hope that the day results in some “Rockwell esque” picture where everything turns out just perfect.  You know what I mean: the food is impeccably cooked and done on time, the family dressed in their finest cloths for the occasion all gather around the table where dad (the non-drunk version) cuts the golden brown turkey as everyone waits patiently in mouth watering anticipation.  It’s like a scene from a Disney movie where nothing is out of place and life seems to be flawless, at least for the day.

Mothers across this great land have tried year after year to create that exact backdrop as if hoping someone will quickly snap a photograph of the entire setting allowing them to as least for a moment have the family Holiday they always wished they could have.  More often than not the day’s planning seems to fall off the tracks at some point and what we’re left with is a scene more reminiscent of an outtake from Planes, Trains and Automobiles.  Once the entire family bellies up to the dinning room table the reality sets in that this day is going to be a tad bit less than the enchanting vision we hoped it to be.a-redneck-thanksgiving

The calamity typically begins with an over abundance of snot nosed little crap makers putting their filthy hands on every damn thing in the house while their parents, oblivious to the disaster, offer useless advice on how to prepare a meal when in actuality they can barely boil water because their hideous offspring survive mainly of Chicken McNuggets.  By now the “man of the house” has cracked his fourth can of Budweiser in the hopes that self medicating with alcohol will allow him the tolerance to not drown himself in the toilet instead of dealing with the misfortune of seeing  just how far below par his family has fallen.  Arguments between siblings that have been long buried seem to dig themselves out and become dinner table conversation and near fisticuffs tend to ensue when the NASCAR points standings are discussed.  At some point order is restored and dinner is served but it never really resembles the scrumptious image you portrayed in your mind all morning.

Hey, that’s what spending time with your family is all about; huge disappointments.  They don’t all turn out like some Hallmark Channel special where against all odds Thanksgiving happens with a heartwarming message of gratefulness for all we have instead of watching Grandpa pass out in the Barcalounger with his pants unbuttoned from gorging himself on homemade stuffing and green bean casserole.  Don’t oversell the day to yourself and just find a way to enjoy what you have because at some point all those freeloaders will eventually leave your house so you can have a cigar and think about the things you truly have to be thankful for.  Just remember, it’s the holidays and we’re all in misery.

I hope I didn’t get you too down in the dumps now that you realized your family really is messed                                up and you honestly believed you’re the normal one in the bunch.  On a much brighter note, the Fourth Annual Brotherhood of the Leaf Christmas Party Cigar Exchange is right around the corner.  I have made it very clear in the past that I don’t water down Christmas for anyone so find a way accept that our club has a Christmas Party.  It’s not a “Holiday” party or some other PC term so we don’t offend anybody.  Are we good?  Wonderful.  The best part of our Christmas Party is our Cigar Gift Exchange for anyone that would like to participate.  It works like this, come to Cigar Night with a quality cigar to add to the gift exchange.  Anyone that brings a cigar will receive one back, that’s how gift exchanges work. You must pick a high quality premium hand made stick, no seconds, bundles, mistakes, knock offs, fakes, phonies or machine mades.  Spend a few bucks and make sure that it has a band or some designation so the recipient knows what the hell they just got.  Oh yeah, and wrap the damn thing!  It’s a Christmas present to one of your fellow cigar brethren so put some effort into it.  Any cigar deemed unfit for the exchange will pitched and you’ll have to buy a new cigar for every paid member in attendance.  If you have any questions please email me for tips, ideas or more details.  It has been a very fun event in the past and I’m really looking forward to kicking off the Holidays and sharing a little Christmas spirit with you guys.

There you have it my boys and girls, a reality check for you but with a softening blow because our Christmas Party is right around the corner.  I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your family and can find many things to be grateful for this year.  Although they may be hidden there are many.

Gobble Gobble – The Cigar Soldier

About the author

The Cigar Soldier is the founding father and President of The Brotherhood of the Leaf, an internet community of cigar enthusiasts and Northeast Wisconsin’s only true membership based cigar club. As the main writer for Cigar Night Online.com, his rants can sting, stir or inspire your emotions, as he leaves no topic of enjoying the cigar lifestyle off his hit list.


2 Responses to “Hallmark Holidays?”

  1. The First Lady says:

    I must say I am extremely grateful for you, oh fearless leader! You call it as you see it and mostly you’re dead-on. Always a treat to read your posts and thanks for putting such a magnanimous effort into it. Go forth with no expectations other than to expect the worse, anything other than that is a gift. XxOOoXxxOOoxx Blessings my friend! and ya, the rest of ya too – see you at the Christmas party, if not before…The First Lady

  2. Oh you are too kind. You’re absolutely right but still too kind. LOL! Anything for my peeps.

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