The Brotherhood of the Leaf

Posted By The Cigar Soldier on December 22, 2010

Well boys and girls, Christmas is just days away and I’m proud to say that I never once stepped foot inside a mall this year.  That’s reason enough to celebrate.  Man I hate those places.  We cut back on most of the unnecessary gift buying this year because it’s completely………unnecessary I guess.  There’s nothing wrong with piles of gifts under the tree for the little ones on Christmas morning to rip and shed into, but once you’re old(er) like me it’s hard to get excited about crawling around on all fours under the spruce just to open a box with a  new tie in it.  Merry friggin’ Christmas.  That’s why retailers beat us incessantly over the head with commercials about cars and jewelry and not about beer and babes.  Because they all know that being the underdeveloped cro magnons that we are, they specifically need to target us to overspend on the loved ones in our lives to make their Holiday a happy one.

Can you honestly believe that there wouldn’t be a homicide if your wife came down stairs Christmas morning in her pj’s and found a car in the living room?  After the initial shock wears off and she realizes that you just tacked another 60 plus grand to a teetering financial budget that is one Big Mac shy of putting you into the poor house, you drove a God damned car into her house.  I’m not even allowed to walk into house with my shoes on so can image the fury from hell I would bring about if I put a SUV smack dab in the middle of the living room on her good carpet?  CBS would buy the rights to that story and you’ll see me idolized forever as the dumb dead husband on an upcoming episode of CSI Wisconsin.

I’m still waiting for a commercial that shows a well endowed biker babe all in black leather laying across a shiny new Harley Davidson to remind you gals out there about our wish lists.  There are just no ads out there that focus on telling the women of the household not to forget the wonderful man in her life with some one of a kind “guy gifts”.  For once get him what he really wants, something he can do with out you!  If you expect him to put a huge bow on a new car or suffer through the mall crowds to go to Jared and over spend on jewelry, you need to return the favor.  Lowe’s has one commercial where some obviously newly married man is way to excited to get a few new tools and his wife is more than happy to buy them for him.  Why you ask?  Because that cold and calculating bitch has a to do list a mile long at home and come Sunday in the middle of his football game she’s going to be all over his lazy ass to go fix the sink, garage door, washing machine and put together that piece of shit entertainment stand from Ikea.  No more excuses about not having the right tools for the job because she just bought them for you!  Don’t you get it?  She purchased a gift for you specifically so you can do stuff for her.  That’s just flat out cold my brothers.  Always buy your own tools and never tell her about them.

That’s why most of the ads you see are made to wake up the male part of the brain we allow to go fallow most of the year so we remember that no gifts for wifey equals absolutely no chance of a Christmas happy ending.  I realize as men we need all the help we can get so we don’t end up giving the old lady a toaster, vacuum or new blender under the tree because then of course all the good gifts for her anniversary would already be taken.  Just please stop trying to call to attention our total inability to purchase a quality gift for our one and only that doesn’t break the bank or make us feel worse about being the simple-minded creatures that we are.

In only a few days your gift will be put to the test as she opens or unwraps whatever you were thoughtful enough to pick up for her at the O’Reilly Auto Parts store, while buying new windshield wipers for the pick-up, because you where too lazy or just forgot to go to the mall.  It will be easy to know who completely F’ed up on Christmas this year because those are the guys that typically miss the first Cigar Night on the New Year.  You don’t get out of the doghouse easily when all you managed to get her was a tow rope and case of Quaker State.  Come to think of it, I guess we need all those helpful commercials after all!

Since this might be my last post before the Jolly old fat man crams his ass down your chimney to invade your home like a night burglar stealing milk and cookies right from under your nose, let me say how grateful I am for all you you.  Every year that our club has been in existence has been better than the privious year and that is a credit to your involvement and passion for keeping the cigar lifestyle alive and well in a time when it is a very unpopular thing to do.  It is an absolute pleasure to share my rants and thoughts with you and I want to thank each and every one of you for your support in continuing to grow The Brotherhood of the Leaf.  You guys (and gals) have not only become close friends but many of you are like family.  A dysfunctional family for sure, but still family. 

So from my family to your’s, have a very Merry Christmas my Brothers.

The Cigar Soldier

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