Don’t bug me when I’m thinking about nothing

Posted By on October 10, 2011

no_thinking_sign-t2There are times when I just want to sit back and think about nothing.  Most of the guys reading this will understand that comment but many women just don’t get it.  That’s the difference in how our brains function.  Except for those discerning women who enjoy cigars (becasue I think they may have some insight on why thinking about nothing is often good for you) the male and female thought machines have less in common than Marilyn Manson and Justin Bieber.  Now don’t think that I’m putting you gals down because I’ll be the first to admit that your brains function at a much higher capacity compared to the male lump of gray matter.  That’s the reason you’ve already processed these first few sentences and went from hating me to realizing I’m not bad, then to thinking that shoes on sale aren’t bad, plus you could really use a new pair of black pumps to go with dress you borrowed from a girlfriend for an office party this December.  Whew, that’s a lot you’ve got going up up stairs while I’m still wondering if my comma placement was correct throughout this last paragraph.

brain-chipThere is a huge difference in how much is going on inside a male brain compared to you dames .  Women are attempting to process thousands of bits of information every second and we knuckle draggers are just trying to remember to shower before putting on the deodorant.  There are very few things I enjoy more than kicking back with my cigars and letting my mind basically go blank.  If you ever walk in on me puffing a stogie and notice I’m shaking my head back and forth, don’t worry, I’m basically cleaning my minds screen like you would an Etch A Sketch.  Most men unwind by trying to limit the amount of crap running through our heads and those leafy goodie sticks are very helpful at soothing the soul and clearing the mind.  My time with a cigar is the equivalent of a computer compacting files and dumping the unnecessary bits of information not pertinent to the operating system.  I call it my mental de-frag time.  I get rid of the stuff  I don’t need, like my mother-in-laws birthday, so I can free up memory space for the important stuff.  That’s why unlike you gals, I don’t forget where I parked the car at the mall.

 Being the simple creatures that men are, the quiet time with cigars is a chance to revitalize those mental batteries. But much like real batteries, you can’t use them while they’re in the recharging station. That is why we shut down everything except the life support systems mandatory to stay alive, like they did in Apollo 13, and just let our minds float through space. Space is quiet and we like that.  Of course this is usually the time when we get asked, “What cha  thinking?”  Very seldom do we reply with an honest answer of “nothing” because we know our women won’t understand that answer.   Genetics makes the female brain process all the pros and con’s of everything they do or  think about, guys just do stuff with no real thought before acting.  That’s why when your see us sitting around doing nothing, we’re usually thinking about nothing as well.  How many times have you done something and later weren’t sure why you did it.  That is because your brain is on break and has hung the don’t bother me for a while sign in the window.  From now on when your wife asks you, “why in the hell did you do that?”  Instead of trying to come up with something more intelligent than the nothing answer, just be honest with her and say; “Because it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

monica_lewinskyThat answer can explain away a lot of the dumb shit we do as guys and for once we’d be telling the God’s honest truth.  Think about all the situations where you can use it.  I think even Bill Clinton should have used that line when he was on trial for pumping the intern.
Prosecutor: Mr. Clinton, are we to believe that this girl just walked into your office, gave you oral sex, and you let it happen?  Why would you do that?
Bill: It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Prosecutor: Well, I can’t argue with that.  Who the hell doesn’t think a little oral every now and then isn’t a good idea.  We were going to string you up but since it seemed like a good idea we can’t fault you for that.  Bill, you’re dismissed but don’t let this happen again.

Nobody says we’re going to solve the words problems while enjoying a cigar but we sure in the hell aren’t making this rock worse either.  Alone or in the company of our Brothers and Sisters of the Leaf, the time spent with our South American exports is therapeutic for the mind and body because we physically and mentally slow down which is always a good thing.  Some of you read or watch television, some of you listen to music and many like me just fix a drink and sit there thinking about nothing.  Typically that’s good unless you’re writing a blog and need to come up with another new thought to finish this paragraph.  Shit, where was I going with the whole thing anyhow?  Oh well.

Don’t forget to take some pictures of your Man Cave smoking area for a chance to win some great cigar prizes.  With winter ready to peek it’s ugly head around the corner, it won’t be long until outside smoking as we know it has come to an end for yet another season and the world wants to know where you retreat once the north winds start howling.  That is unless you live  in sunny Florida where you’re able to smoke outdoors anytime with no threat of frostbite on your fingers. In that case, shame on you!  You owe me a cigar.  It’s part of my “Cigar Stimulus Package” I’m pushing through congress as you read this.  Yeah fine, it’s not going through congress, I’m just trying to get more free cigars.  Pat yourself on the back that ya caught me.  I guess once in a while I do think up some things after all.

Peace love and puros my friends,

The Cigar Soldier

About the author

The Cigar Soldier is the founding father and President of The Brotherhood of the Leaf, an internet community of cigar enthusiasts and Northeast Wisconsin’s only true membership based cigar club. As the main writer for Cigar Night, his rants can sting, stir or inspire your emotions, as he leaves no topic of enjoying the cigar lifestyle off his hit list.


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