Porn and Hot Pockets
Posted By The Cigar Soldier on April 7, 2011
First of all, thank you to all the guys (and gals) that made it out to Cigar Night on the 5th. I had an absolute blast kicking back with my Brothers and my stomach still hurts from laughing so much. I always look forward to our nights and this past one again proves that we have some outstanding people in our group and you should never miss an event. There was one topic of conversation we had a good time chuckling at but it did get me thinking.
The dumbing down of America is talked about in many forums and there are as many hypothesis’s as to why as there are reality shows. By the way, that IS in my opinion one of the big reasons. Have you seen some of the drivel that the networks spit out in a never ending effort to attract viewers who are so hopelessly trapped in their own personal shit puddles that they actually feel better watching some spoiled brat turn 16 while throwing a temper tantrum because Daddy bought her the wrong color BMW? REALLY! You shallow little douche-hole. I want a scientific study done on viewers of reality TV because I believe that the facts will show that continued watching of The Real World or Bridalplasty actuallymakes you want to sleep with your sister. At minimum it makes you dumber. I mean more dumber. Or is that just more dumb? Damn it! What time is the Bachelorette on?
It’s really the quality of programming that leaves so much to be desired. I’m not saying that watching an entire season of guys cut down trees or fish for crabs in icy waters can’t be entertaining but do we really need a reality show for every profession out there? We have multiple shows for models, brides, pawn shops, survival skills, fishing, fashion, singing, dancing and dating yet there is no show that follows me around while I eat like a starved pig, pound down beers and burn through box after box of cigars. WTF!? Most participants see being on a reality show as the doorway to instant celebrity status and it has to harder to beat out the 45,000 contestants trying to get on Survivor than is was for me to beat out the other one applicant trying to be the Cigar Soldier and host of this site. But I gotta tell ya, that Susan Lucci is one scrappy broad and she didn’t go down without a fight.
Hour after hour is spent in front of the television watching some truly horrendous crap and the reason is as George Costanza so eloquently said, “Because it’s on”. You guys know my affection for starring at the TV but even I often feel like I need to watch this garbage because my only other choice is Golden Girl re-runs or Sponge Bob. And I have damn near 1000 channels to pick from! As a society we’re addicted to TV and we’ve made it available almost everywhere we go. What mom doesn’t want flip down screens in the mini van so her little crumb grabbers can stay distracted on the 10 minute drive to the store? Oh the horror of not having non-stop television or DVD’s for your fat little precious future burger flipper. There are many online sites that allow you take TV on the go through your phones and iPads so you’ll never miss a show. I even know people that have television installed in the bathrooms. TV in the john? When the hell do you get your reading done? There we go, that’s why we’re all so freakin’ dumb these days. Nobody reads on the toilet anymore. They’re all too busy watching TV or playing Angry Birds on the throne.
Keeping our faces fixed on a big screen is only distracted by our need to be online and gaze at the small screen . I’ve seen some articles about marriages being ruined by spouses who have addictions to online gaming because that is all they do from sun up to sunset because they can escape “true reality” by creating their own version of it through a computer. Can you imagine not wanting to pour the coals to the wife because you need to kill off a warlock in your World of Warcraft game? I honestly don’t know if there are warlocks in WoW because I have a life and have actually seen a real vagina. I’ll guess the only lady parts these Internet geeks have ever seen have come from the multiple porn sites they pay heavily for. You don’t even have to leave your mom’s basement when you have high speed Internet because you have the ability to play nonstop games and download hardcore smut. The only interruption would be short breaks for Mountain Dew and some Hot Pockets of course. But after eating a Hot Pocket they’ll be right back in the bathroom where I’m guessing they have a TV or will be watching Sponge Bob on your iPhone. The pattern of idiocy continues.
It’s time for you to re-join civilization and get out in the world of the living again. Put down the remote control and take your hand off the mouse long enough to join us on April 21st at Titletown Tobacco for some great cigars from Miami Cigar & Company. The feature sticks of the night will be from the Nestor Miranda and La Aurora lins which I know you cats are going to love. There will be some unbelievable specials including a buy 3 get 1 free as well as lots of free cigar swag with any box purchase. We’ll have a licensed massage therapist on site to relieve the days stress for only a buck a minute. Best of all, you can collect some raffle tickets with each purchase as well as each dollar spent in the massage chair to give you a chance at winning some cool gear. You stand a better chance at winning this stuff than you do of making it through that girl-on-girl video you downloaded before that Hot Pocket runs through you.
See you on the 21st and get outside and light one up because it looks like Spring is finally here.
The Cigar Soldier
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